I Will Die Along The Ditches

Lately my mind has been so fuzzy, like I have been looking through shards of smoke stricken glass. I can't seem to pinpoint the basis of the bad blood in my body. It just seems to be flooding from so many different venues. My impending decision (or lack of) for my college education, the recent diagnosis of my illness that has caused me so much misery, or the feeling that I have lost or am losing love. I just wish there was a filter I could insert into my brain in order to organize all my drastic thoughts. But unfortunately, anyone is their right mind knows this does not exist, that whatever mighty being is out there makes it impendingly impossible for anything to help clarify weary brain patterns.


My dream school of UC Boulder is now so far out of reach I can no longer taste it, but fate does that to you, takes your expectations and crushes them into a messy pulp. But it's moments like these in which your strength is tested, where you must come out on top of all the emotions and heartache. It may take awhile, but i'll get there, destiny has it's own fucked up plan for me (even if it is a messy pulp today). 


I'll continue my lonely journey into a higher education with the piece of mind knowing one day my dreams will not be compromised, even if they do seem to chance. I read a quote in a book the other day that really struck a chord in me...
     " If your dreams don't scare you, they're not big enough"


I've never agreed with something that came out of anyone else's mouth but my own so much in my entire life. I am terrified of almost every goal I set for myself, and I believe thats the only way to live. If you go through life so comfortable with yourself and with what you're doing you'll die with only what you've got, not what you could have had. Life is this mysterious, fucked up, beautiful adventure that us young pupils are just getting started with exploring. We'd be shaming our founding fathers and great-great-great grandmothers who sacrificed so much to get us here if we didn't take everyday for everything it has to offer. I'm not telling you to go out and jump off cliffs for a thrill, I'm saying take one step forward every day. Even if it's a fraction of an inch like painting your fucking toenails so you feel pretty for a split millisecond. Life is long, yes, but it's only as beautiful as we intend to make it to be




"So i'm counting on your fingers, 
     'cause you've reattached the twitch"


-L.

Your Cold Heart's A Smoking Gun

This is going to be one giant big sappy pissed off rant and if that is not what you came here to read, then I suggest you leave.

I hate people. I hate their stupid little mind games and their fucking prissy ass attitudes. I hate feeling alone and disconnected, and I especially hate when I am told that I need "christ" in my heart to save my soul. Where the fuck was Jesus when I was slowly slipping into death on the comfort of my own bed? Where was Jesus when I was begging anyone to care enough to call an ambulance. And where the fuck was he when I had to pull myself into the bathroom to safe my own live. As a matter of fact, where was anyone? I was alone in the hospital and out of school for weeks, and no one called. No one asked.

How can society be so blind to the struggles society puts us teenagers through everyday? What it takes us to feel alive. No amount of coffee, alcohol, drugs, or sex is enough. We will never feel alive. We will go through everyday, every moment of life feeling as if happiness is a drug that we need to overdose on in order to feel anything.

I don't believe in people anymore, in relationships. I only have myself to rely on, because when it comes down to it all, everyone leaves. They die, they move on, they stop caring. And if you put your happiness into those people, you die along with them.

"Your cross ain't no place
      I wanna hang my hope from"

-L.