I want so badly to be out on my own. To have my own place, rely on only myself or a loved one for success. This idea of being independent is so intoxicating to me, it seems to be the only thing I think about. I have these elaborate plans for a career and a home. I want a rustic wooden abode with white walls and stained oak accompaniments. In my mind I ponder the floor plans religiously, over and over and over again. No matter how much I try to reason with myself, knowing I will not have these for awhile, or that I might not even produce enough income for it, but it never works. I am too infatuated by the idea of my perfect hideaway, place to get lost in myself.
Colorado. Colorado would be so incredible. To live on the side of a two mile high mountain, and drive down into Denver to pursue my forensic psychology career. A small mountain town full of coffee shops and humble people. Snow day and night. Bundled up by a fire with a cup of coffee and a blanket. I can't shake it. I need it. The thought of this literally fuels me to get out of bed, to be better, be to the best.
But I am fucking terrified. Terrified of the schooling, of not finding a fulfilling job. Of getting so far into my education and realizing I've made a grave mistake. I understand that so many people have gone through what I am going through and have survived and are successful. But why the fuck do I feel like it isn't possible? I sit in my college courses, day after day, feeling so excited for what is to come. But when I go come and lay in my bed in the middle of the night my body just screams hoping that everything I am working so hard for ends up being worth it. I really don't want to let myself down. I've built up my expectations so tall....
"My, my, my, my, my, my, my, my......"
-L.
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