I've been lacking with my writing lately. I just haven't been in the mood to talk about anything, I actually really do not know what mood I have been in. The first signs of snow are now sprinkling in... I can almost feel the insomnia creeping into my blood. I still think about it everyday, why I get sucked into that life whenever the grass turns white.. I think it's because I don't want to miss a moment of this season... I just wish I could control it.
I still hate it, Christmas and all. I can deal with the lights and the fucking delicious peppermint beverages, but all that fake cheer bullshit drives me up the wall. I have been trying to keep myself emerged in so many activities and book series as possible, just so I can avoid the conclusion of how lonely I have become. Seeing everyone get so excited about gift giving and seeing fucking Santa and shit just pisses me off. I feel like a character from The Catcher In The Rye....maybe I need to read that one again, it would be nice to hear from someone who has the same thought process as I. Annoyed is the mood I think I've been in lately. and Jealous. Jealous of everyone having all these people and support systems and people to have fun with... I just sit at home with endless pots of coffee and hundreds of books stacked around me, switching novels once I start to think about reality.
Don't get me wrong, I like being alone most of the time, but lonely can be such an awful thing to be. I try to convince myself that I want all these friends to go out with, but in all honesty, I'd rather have my fictional characters. So I sleep, and try not to be a hypocrite, and I drink coffee so I can feel awake. But I am slowly coming to the conclusion that no amount of coffee or sleep can make me feel alive. And the hilarious part of that is-is that I do not find it the least bit depressing. The sad thing is-is that I find it, oh, so fucking comforting.
"I could see for miles,
and miles and miles..."
-L.
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