If You Get Angry, So Help Me, I Know

Lonely is such an awful thing to be. It seems like that is all I am lately. I really only have myself to blame, and it pisses me the fuck off that I let myself fall back into this slope again. I try not to allow people to control or influence my happiness, but by this I have completely isolated myself into the world where this fucking blog is really the only thing I have to talk to. And its no one's fault but my own, and thats the hardest thing to accept. As humans we want to pin the blame on anyone else but ourselves, and for some fucking reason this fact makes us feel soooooo much better about our actions, that someone else's words or movements caused something evil to happen. Its so fucked up. I just want to scream at everyone I went to high school with "YOU DID THIS TO ME!". But I know they didn't, I'm the one who chose fiction over reality. It is just about damn time I man-up and accepted it.

It really hit me on my birthday...Literally having no one want to take you out or spend it with you was a harsh reality that I got faced with. I chose books, and school, and work, and everything over establishing relationships with anyone, and it left me alone and sad on my own birthday. 

I'd like to think I could change my ways, open open more and allow people in...but I know I won't. I have witnessed people who I was friend's with my whole life talk shit about me when they thought my back was turned. I just don't trust anyone. You can't trust anyone. In this world it is every man for himself, and unfortunately I had to realize that at a very young age. I'll be just fine, some people will have a lasting impact on me, I just don't see any future birthday's being celebrated with anyone other than myself.

"You can gaze out the window and get mad and get madder,

     Throw your hands in the air say, 'what does it matter?'"

-L.