I think that is one of Bon Iver's greatest lines ever. Only love can be both evil and beautiful, hurtful and wonderful, painful and happy. Sometimes love can feel so overpowering and magical, that you lose yourself. I've seen so many people along the way completely be destroyed by the things they love. Old men alone restaurants, CEOs devastated by affairs, and children abandoned by families. How can something that feels so perfect and right cause so much suffering and rejection? Love has always been a winding and devastating road for me. I am never satisfied, no matter how hard I try to be.
I wish I could just be happy without someone. I wish I could just walk away once I feel that pain starting to grow in my veins. I settle. I settle for so much less than I know I want, than I know I deserve. I just can't help who I want, but I also can't help when I stop wanting them. And I am terrified. Terrified because these feelings come and go with the regularity of the swell of the ocean... I just fear one day I will let go of the one I truly cannot live without, just in a moments notice, on a whim. I tell myself that I need someone who has a passion for literature, a selflessness personality like my own, and a love for the same music and rustic living I crave. But yet, I fall for someone the total opposite, and sacrifice it all for that person. How will I ever get what I want if I cannot even obtain someone with the same wants as I?
But as I have always said, I am a hypocrite. I could just be having a weary night, and tomorrow be hung upside down in love again. My emotions never cease to amaze me, nor does my ability to survive. No one really understands me, and I have come to the awful and painful conclusion that no one ever will. I really, truly believe that I will forever live alone with my own thoughts. I just hope I can stay above water as I currently do. Wish me love in all my endeavors, and please believe in me, for I don't really believe in me.
"You can't make your heart feel
something it won't"
-L.
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