I Will Die Along The Ditches

Lately my mind has been so fuzzy, like I have been looking through shards of smoke stricken glass. I can't seem to pinpoint the basis of the bad blood in my body. It just seems to be flooding from so many different venues. My impending decision (or lack of) for my college education, the recent diagnosis of my illness that has caused me so much misery, or the feeling that I have lost or am losing love. I just wish there was a filter I could insert into my brain in order to organize all my drastic thoughts. But unfortunately, anyone is their right mind knows this does not exist, that whatever mighty being is out there makes it impendingly impossible for anything to help clarify weary brain patterns.


My dream school of UC Boulder is now so far out of reach I can no longer taste it, but fate does that to you, takes your expectations and crushes them into a messy pulp. But it's moments like these in which your strength is tested, where you must come out on top of all the emotions and heartache. It may take awhile, but i'll get there, destiny has it's own fucked up plan for me (even if it is a messy pulp today). 


I'll continue my lonely journey into a higher education with the piece of mind knowing one day my dreams will not be compromised, even if they do seem to chance. I read a quote in a book the other day that really struck a chord in me...
     " If your dreams don't scare you, they're not big enough"


I've never agreed with something that came out of anyone else's mouth but my own so much in my entire life. I am terrified of almost every goal I set for myself, and I believe thats the only way to live. If you go through life so comfortable with yourself and with what you're doing you'll die with only what you've got, not what you could have had. Life is this mysterious, fucked up, beautiful adventure that us young pupils are just getting started with exploring. We'd be shaming our founding fathers and great-great-great grandmothers who sacrificed so much to get us here if we didn't take everyday for everything it has to offer. I'm not telling you to go out and jump off cliffs for a thrill, I'm saying take one step forward every day. Even if it's a fraction of an inch like painting your fucking toenails so you feel pretty for a split millisecond. Life is long, yes, but it's only as beautiful as we intend to make it to be




"So i'm counting on your fingers, 
     'cause you've reattached the twitch"


-L.

Your Cold Heart's A Smoking Gun

This is going to be one giant big sappy pissed off rant and if that is not what you came here to read, then I suggest you leave.

I hate people. I hate their stupid little mind games and their fucking prissy ass attitudes. I hate feeling alone and disconnected, and I especially hate when I am told that I need "christ" in my heart to save my soul. Where the fuck was Jesus when I was slowly slipping into death on the comfort of my own bed? Where was Jesus when I was begging anyone to care enough to call an ambulance. And where the fuck was he when I had to pull myself into the bathroom to safe my own live. As a matter of fact, where was anyone? I was alone in the hospital and out of school for weeks, and no one called. No one asked.

How can society be so blind to the struggles society puts us teenagers through everyday? What it takes us to feel alive. No amount of coffee, alcohol, drugs, or sex is enough. We will never feel alive. We will go through everyday, every moment of life feeling as if happiness is a drug that we need to overdose on in order to feel anything.

I don't believe in people anymore, in relationships. I only have myself to rely on, because when it comes down to it all, everyone leaves. They die, they move on, they stop caring. And if you put your happiness into those people, you die along with them.

"Your cross ain't no place
      I wanna hang my hope from"

-L.

If You Get Angry, So Help Me, I Know

Lonely is such an awful thing to be. It seems like that is all I am lately. I really only have myself to blame, and it pisses me the fuck off that I let myself fall back into this slope again. I try not to allow people to control or influence my happiness, but by this I have completely isolated myself into the world where this fucking blog is really the only thing I have to talk to. And its no one's fault but my own, and thats the hardest thing to accept. As humans we want to pin the blame on anyone else but ourselves, and for some fucking reason this fact makes us feel soooooo much better about our actions, that someone else's words or movements caused something evil to happen. Its so fucked up. I just want to scream at everyone I went to high school with "YOU DID THIS TO ME!". But I know they didn't, I'm the one who chose fiction over reality. It is just about damn time I man-up and accepted it.

It really hit me on my birthday...Literally having no one want to take you out or spend it with you was a harsh reality that I got faced with. I chose books, and school, and work, and everything over establishing relationships with anyone, and it left me alone and sad on my own birthday. 

I'd like to think I could change my ways, open open more and allow people in...but I know I won't. I have witnessed people who I was friend's with my whole life talk shit about me when they thought my back was turned. I just don't trust anyone. You can't trust anyone. In this world it is every man for himself, and unfortunately I had to realize that at a very young age. I'll be just fine, some people will have a lasting impact on me, I just don't see any future birthday's being celebrated with anyone other than myself.

"You can gaze out the window and get mad and get madder,

     Throw your hands in the air say, 'what does it matter?'"

-L.

I'm Still Alive For You, Love

Well, another birthday has come to pass. I am now a legal adult and of course, as always, for the past 18 years of my life I did not celebrate. I always get all hyped up to do so, but ultimately when it comes down to it, I don't see the point in celebrating getting a year older. I suppose I am just a year round all-American scrooge. So sue me.

What's really been bothering me lately is where I am going to go to college next year. (Yes, I go to BGSU now but it is not a real school, so it doesn't count). I have two very wonderful options, but both come with an equal amount of baggage... here is a little list of pros and cons I made so that one can establish my predicament.

Colorado University at Boulder:
     Gorgeous Scenery
     My favorite place in the world
     New places, new faces
     A chance to escape
     Far from home
     I know no one
     Super expensive
     I have to tell the few people I love, and be away from them

Ohio University at Athens:
     I know more people
     Closer to home
     Beautiful campus
     I have to keep living my past (its a hub for northwest ohio)
     Amazinggggggggg parties


Obviously I am in a clusterfuck of a situation. The main thing keeping me from hitting the "accept" button at Colorado is separation from the few people that a do adore here...and by few....I mean few. By getting out of here I can really show people the true me, and can stop living in the image that everyone has already created for me. But I don't know who to tell my family or my boyfriend or my best friend. I feel almost selfish for wanting to go out there for my own personal reasons. My head is all jumbled up and confused. All I know is that I need to get away, get to anywhere. My loneliness is really started to consume me, and it really, really, fucking scares me this time.

"Not the needle, nor the thread, the lost decree
     Saying nothing, thats enough for me."

-L.

Only Love Is All Maroon.

I think that is one of Bon Iver's greatest lines ever. Only love can be both evil and beautiful, hurtful and wonderful, painful and happy. Sometimes love can feel so overpowering and magical, that you lose yourself. I've seen so many people along the way completely be destroyed by the things they love. Old men alone restaurants, CEOs devastated by affairs, and children abandoned by families. How can something that feels so perfect and right cause so much suffering and rejection? Love has always been a winding and devastating road for me. I am never satisfied, no matter how hard I try to be.

I wish I could just be happy without someone. I wish I could just walk away once I feel that pain starting to grow in my veins. I settle. I settle for so much less than I know I want, than I know I deserve. I just can't help who I want, but I also can't help when I stop wanting them. And I am terrified. Terrified because these feelings come and go with the regularity of the swell of the ocean... I just fear one day I will let go of the one I truly cannot live without, just in a moments notice, on a whim. I tell myself that I need someone who has a passion for literature, a selflessness personality like my own, and a love for the same music and rustic living I crave. But yet, I fall for someone the total opposite, and sacrifice it all for that person. How will I ever get what I want if I cannot even obtain someone with the same wants as I?

But as I have always said, I am a hypocrite. I could just be having a weary night, and tomorrow be hung upside down in love again. My emotions never cease to amaze me, nor does my ability to survive. No one really understands me, and I have come to the awful and painful conclusion that no one ever will. I really, truly believe that I will forever live alone with my own thoughts. I just hope I can stay above water as I currently do. Wish me love in all my endeavors, and please believe in me, for I don't really believe in me.

"You can't make your heart feel
        something it won't"

-L.

I Was Not Magnificent

I've been lacking with my writing lately. I just haven't been in the mood to talk about anything, I actually really do not know what mood I have been in. The first signs of snow are now sprinkling in... I can almost feel the insomnia creeping into my blood. I still think about it everyday, why I get sucked into that life whenever the grass turns white.. I think it's because I don't want to miss a moment of this season... I just wish I could control it.

I still hate it, Christmas and all. I can deal with the lights and the fucking delicious peppermint beverages, but all that fake cheer bullshit drives me up the wall. I have been trying to keep myself emerged in so many activities and book series as possible, just so I can avoid the conclusion of how lonely I have become. Seeing everyone get so excited about gift giving and seeing fucking Santa and shit just pisses me off. I feel like a character from The Catcher In The Rye....maybe I need to read that one again, it would be nice to hear from someone who has the same thought process as I. Annoyed is the mood I think I've been in lately. and Jealous. Jealous of everyone having all these people and support systems and people to have fun with... I just sit at home with endless pots of coffee and hundreds of books stacked around me, switching novels once I start to think about reality.

Don't get me wrong, I like being alone most of the time, but lonely can be such an awful thing to be. I try to convince myself that I want all these friends to go out with, but in all honesty, I'd rather have my fictional characters. So I sleep, and try not to be a hypocrite, and I drink coffee so I can feel awake. But I am slowly coming to the conclusion that no amount of coffee or sleep can make me feel alive. And the hilarious part of that is-is that I do not find it the least bit depressing. The sad thing is-is that I find it, oh, so fucking comforting.


"I could see for miles,
and miles and miles..."

-L.

Cut Out All My Ropes and Let Me Fall

I want so badly to be out on my own. To have my own place, rely on only myself or a loved one for success. This idea of being independent is so intoxicating to me, it seems to be the only thing I think about. I have these elaborate plans for a career and a home. I want a rustic wooden abode with white walls and stained oak accompaniments. In my mind I ponder the floor plans religiously, over and over and over again. No matter how much I try to reason with myself, knowing I will not have these for awhile, or that I might not even produce enough income for it, but it never works. I am too infatuated by the idea of my perfect hideaway, place to get lost in myself.

Colorado. Colorado would be so incredible. To live on the side of a two mile high mountain, and drive down into Denver to pursue my forensic psychology career. A small mountain town full of coffee shops and humble people. Snow day and night. Bundled up by a fire with a cup of coffee and a blanket. I can't shake it. I need it. The thought of this literally fuels me to get out of bed, to be better, be to the best.

But I am fucking terrified. Terrified of the schooling, of not finding a fulfilling job. Of getting so far into my education and realizing I've made a grave mistake. I understand that so many people have gone through what I am going through and have survived and are successful. But why the fuck do I feel like it isn't possible? I sit in my college courses, day after day, feeling so excited for what is to come. But when I go come and lay in my bed in the middle of the night my body just screams hoping that everything I am working so hard for ends up being worth it. I really don't want to let myself down. I've built up my expectations so tall....

"My, my, my, my, my, my, my, my......"

-L.